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Tub Toilet


The Ups, Downs and Sideways of Working Motherhood

Tub Toilet

Alex Steinman

Cooper the Pooper has become increasingly comfortable shitting the tub, so we've gotten increasingly comfortable with fecal matter in places it shouldn't be. A series of code browns have had us considering just renaming the tub 'the toilet' to make ourselves feel better about our confused child. About once a week, Cooper decides to drop one on us without warning. Last week, he did it two nights in a row. On the second night, Matt tried to prepare for it by attempting to coax it out of him for 45 minutes before bath time. They ran, jumped, danced and squatted without one tiny turd. 5 minutes into bath time...BAM...poop.

If you should ever encounter a floater, here's what you do:

1. Panic:

There is nothing normal about shitting the tub. Trust me, I've asked all my friends, and they think this is insane. You have about 1.5 seconds to panic before your child realizes what he's done, so move quickly through this stage.

2. Remove the Poop Machine:

If you have a nearby partner, shout as if you're being murdered. Have said partner remove the poop machine from the tub, so you can survey the damage. Matt and I are both on mandatory poop watch, so we're rarely separated during bath time. Note: Having both of you in the bathroom does not make the yelling any less severe.

3. Survey the Damage:

It's impossible to act quickly enough once the guilty party has left the room. Might as well stare at the tiny (or large) bathtub barge in awe as it floats by the toys. If you've decided not to just burn your house down, proceed to the next step.

4. Get Naked-ish:

I'm serious. It's impossible to get poop water out of anything, or at least impossible for me to look at my favorite shirt the same way again. If you're worried about your partner getting the wrong idea while you bleach a tub in your skivvies, God bless you, your blind partner and your amazing sex. I'm pretty sure this is how Beyonce cleans a tub after Blue Ivy drops a deuce in the tub...just kidding the Knowles-Carter family does not shit.

5. Extract the Log:

This is not as easy as it seems. I've tried it many ways: barehand, washcloth, toilet paper, paper towel. None of them work. The turd will disintegrate on contact no matter what you use, so just sob quietly as you fish it out in whatever method you deem least offensive.

6. Bleach the Shit Out of Everything:

You know what poop makes? Pinkeye. I've had it 3 times since having a poop machine to call my own. First, I dump an obscene amount of bleach in the tub. Then, I make the tub water skin-melting degrees and scrub for as long as I can handle the chemicals. I'm sure the new baby will have 3 arms, but pregnancy is a great excuse to have your partner wrangle the poo. After you bleach, take some Lysol wipes and scrub some more. Wipe the toys down, wipe yourself down, then go sanitize the rest of your house because poop water is everywhere.

7. Drink Heavily:

Unfortunately, I have to skip this step for another 5 months until my second poop machine arrives. If you are so lucky, have a bottle of pinot for me. For now, if I can stomach it, I eat a pint of ice cream and just go to bed. Call it quits, yo.

Is this a sign for potty training or just a reminder that I'll never take a bath in this house?